I do want to say something about suicide, even though it's easy not to, because it's such a difficult and painful subject. But every day people choose to end their own life because of emotional pain, and we need to talk about why this is. In the conversation I had recently with my friend, I told him that the words, "suicide is not the answer" were a trigger for me, because what I hear in those words is, "suicide is not the answer for you." And while mentally I understand that this is people's way of saying, "please don't do this, we love you, we want you here with us" it reinforces the feeling that people do not understand the pain that we feel. In fact, when I heard it, it triggered me even though I wasn't in a particularly bad place at the time, and I realized that it was because there's such a huge lack of understanding about why people choose to commit suicide.
Read MoreIn my previous posts, I've mentioned that I've struggled with depression. I think it's a big issue right now during COVID - people out of work, cramped up at home with domestic partners that they may not be on good terms with, too much responsibility, sickness, not being able to pay the bills. Feelings of inadequacy and "no end in sight" are major underlying causes of depression, so people who have the gene are especially susceptible right now. But what specifically has gotten me thinking about this subject, and the need to talk more openly about depression is an email conversation I recently had with a friend who was trying to process the death of one of his friends who had chosen to take his own life.
Read MoreOne of the things that interested me about Perry's writing was the focus on sin and redemption in each of the plot lines. While never stated quite so explicitly, every book tended to have a theme, and that theme was often a moral one. It wasn't until I had been reading her books for about a year that I happened to read the back of one of the jacket covers, which gave a brief description of the author's life. In it, much to my shock, it mentioned that the author herself had committed murder when she was 15 years old.
Read MoreLast week the whole country (well, most of it) threw back its head and collectively howled at the President of the United States after he tear gassed peaceful protesters in Lafayette Square so he could stand in front of St. John's Episcopal Church for a few seconds and get his picture taken while holding a Bible handed to him by his daughter. It was a bizarre scene, a bizarre picture, and a bizarre event - and I think it's safe to say that it would only happen here in the good 'ol US of A. But why? Why does a President in the middle of a global pandemic and national protests over civil and criminal injustice want to stand and have his photo taken with a Bible? While I can never hope to speak to what goes on in Trump's mind, I'd like to try and explain the symbolism in the context of our country.
Read MoreAs I continue to ponder how I can do more to create change in this moment in history, I've decided that I want to talk about my childhood, and some of the racist ideology that I grew up, and was taught both overtly and covertly. I don't do this to shame anyone. I don't do this to make people angry - although that may be a side result. I do this because if we don't talk about how racism is taught to young people in this country, how it is justified and disguised, we will never learn how to dismantle it.
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For each system we are trying to fix in our society, solutions always begin by paying attention to each other - and I mean really paying attention. There is so much anger in America right now - anger, and disappointment, and a desire to be proven right, to "one up" our political opponent, or whoever we are competing with. And we flatter ourselves that we have truth, that we have right in our corner, so we're justified in feeling this sense of certainty. And we're justified in condemning "the other". But this only feeds the shaming cycle. It's a cycle that goes round and round and causes more pain. Only by embracing the other can this cycle be stopped.
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Isn't it ironic that an NBA team is demonstrating principles that you'd think would be automatically built into any healthcare system? Wouldn't it be important to create a culture of joy for every worker in that system? Wouldn't it be absolutely essential that you teach them how to be mindful, how to stay present and aware, to increase better performance and quality? Wouldn't you think that compassion would be something you would want to help foster, for the patients yes, but also for each other? What if there were a #StrengthInNumbers culture in healthcare, where peer support was so strong that no one individual doctor felt the weight of perfection on his or her shoulders?
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We have an unspoken expectation that people with pain will be dishonest about their pain . . that, just like in books and movies . . they won't really say what they're feeling ("Oh, it's nothing I can't handle") and when they don't live up to this - when they are actually honest about how much pain they're in, it shocks us, and we shame them.
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HIV providers have been forced to do something that few other providers have to do - tackle the issue of shame, and create an atmosphere where it is safe on both sides to be vulnerable and honest. For many people, it takes a special kind of courage to even admit that they have this disease - getting treated requires them to engage in that reality on a regular basis, to walk into a physical space where other people have the disease and show their face as one of those people. HIV providers (and I'm including all of the staff in that term) often take on the role of social worker in addition to being a doctor, nurse, office administrator, physician's assistant.
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In other words, whether we want to admit it or not, people with less money get worse care, which not only affects their health but other aspects of their lives. The reason I am experiencing these breakdowns in care coordination with such overwhelming frequency is because I am currently part of the "safety net population", and therefore have fewer choices about where and how I receive my care.
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